My Colourful World-;

Friday, October 26, 2007

din really wanna blog this..thot for a long while..typed a long long msg n sent to my dearest fran!thanks ger...it may mean nothing to u my dear fran but at least i noe u read it..u r busy mugging n doing projs but i noe u had read them..ive gtta thank u for that my fran..i miss u shan!i so so miss u i hope u r here with me n i can jus break down n be myself dear ger..so miss u and hope u can gif me a big big hug..i so wish u were with me:) thanks for u msg jus now..im appreciative for that..
yah im a fool..mb shld jus take it easy n jus b a player..one of colleagues said to jus enjoy n gif urself 6 mths..after dat? not compatible?break lor..!y tk it so hard?y tk it so seriously? lifes short..jus enjoy the moments..in this case i wld had been on par with him
it's a disgusting feeling..disappointed with mself..guess its uncontrollable..mb it shldnt have started..y those golden moment n now its hellish..3 yrs ago and 3 yrs ltr..how many 3 yrs do i haf..how i wish i know not how to feel...know not how to sense..can i jus be emotionless..i hate the current feeling
how i wish i can jus throw tt phone away n not bother w everything..can i go into isolation?i wan to but i cant..
i dun like this..was aware of the result but i went ahead..serves me right..shld jus go for opearation..operate on the heart so i will be heartless..next?remove the tear glands so i know not how to tear..2nd time to be tt moved?no wonder..but its the 3rd one..first?not worth them..2nd? just being silly...3rd? tink its worth but not so..conclusion? silly, stupid, an idiot!
cant cfm it aint gg to happen again..cant cfm tt it will be well..cant cfm if i cld let go..
choosing to tk it easy..tk it in my own stride..im strger than tt..i believe..
mood aint good at all..depression sadness..gloomy days...ahead?dunno...dependent on meself..able to choose to be happy..to sink in etc..im hacking? cant be bothered to think?know not wad i want..
threw myself bk into the hole n i hope partner is with me now..scold me chide me...jus kill me for being a fool..
mb wad matt said is true..jus go w the flow..play ard..enjoy the companionship..doesnt work out..dats it...6 mths?off u go!
cant believe im pondering on this idea..of cos ive frans whu r lidis..
guess i wun be a good player or mb i shld start being one to get the ball rolling..haha
when u were hurt deep down..u jus wldnt wanna care so much bt others..this is simply call:'revenge'

8:09 AM

Friday, October 19, 2007

this week passed..not as bad exccept for work wise..dun like to clear review points...dun like to be stuck in office past 6.30..dun like this terrible feeling ..dat was wed...part of the job..i noe but i just cant stand it...wad made it went well was the companionship..thanks jen n u for staying back though i noe u peeps din haf to..thanks alot realli..
guess its cos of being used to the presence tt gravitates me back to the office though i dun haf to..jus thot it wun feel good to work ot alone n i dun mind
i noe im a gonner but seems like theres no way to turn back..i dunno
how long will this last..guess not long..this will go off one day n i noe..n i noe it will be a deeper cut deep down tonnes worse than yrs ago..that will happen n i noe..till den i shall turn to my pillow and water the hurt onto it and its gonna be wetter than ever
when it comes to this, its no longer me no longer the confident person whom i used to noe

6:34 PM

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

choosing to let it be and enjoy the last 2 days of companionship
cant believe that dinner time always passes so fast...its like zooming off in seconds...the comfort, the conversations..so amusing
its so coincidental...so so coincidental in everything..same alarm ringtone, same preferences etc..oh my..
thanks for the memories which were imprinted..this month passed like no ones bix...fast yet i mus sae tt they were happy days..thot of not wrking and slack at home nv occurred..jus feel motivated to head to office daily..thanks thanks

all's coming to an end and i will miss it..thanks for allowing me to noe tt u are thinking likewise..will nv forget the dinners the lunches, the talks etc..these wun stay but franship do stay

choosing to believe is my choice..din wanna mention his name but at least u noe..cant exactly tell the differences buti noe u r different..thanks alot

i must say this month is the happiest i have lived for the past 3 years...treasuring them and holding them tightly in my mind..i thank u for these and i seriously do

cheerup!cos its gg to be a great 2 days ahead! a good and great 2 days:)

3:42 PM

Monday, October 8, 2007

4 more days to the end of the project..usually i wld haf yearn for it to end so i can move on n start afresh on another job...but this time round i dun..tink sthg will b lacking if this job were to end..mus admit dat its the company..the previous senior in charge of it left for good..less fun i guess

i will miss the relax atmosphere, the conversations etc etc..i will definitely miss my fran..the companion whom i do OT with even on suns..yah..sighh..i noe dat good things have to and will come to an end..i noe it will but im refusing to be convinced by it..yes im denying

mei noes me the best...shes the nicest sis on earth!though we always bicker, she makes a lot of sense and u will definitely be enlightened by her thots and ideas..much much mature than i..thanks mei for noeing wad im tinking without me hafing to articulate them..shes right, she noes y i cant bear to leave this project...

time seems to pass fast when u haf great company..cant stop the time so gtta enjoy these moments..nows 1215am so that makes it less than 4 days..

we are all aries, outgoing, crappy, hyper, emo, sentimental...same thoughts, frequency etc...haha..its just so miraculous...

they are jus so alike..tried pointing out the differences to him but cant really pinpoint what so managed a 'u r better' in wad sense? i dun noe cos its a feeling which i get..a reat fran a great pal..i dunno..

hating myself for allowing me to be back to then,,i cant stop but to move on and go fwd..cant believe tt those droplets emerged again..cant ctrl..simply hate myself for being like this..so embarrassing to be cleaning their trails while on the way to wrk..oh man..im doom..

this is karma?this is retribution..im jus afraid..but i noe im inching to doomsday again...jus managed a calm n peaceful life and im being made to go thru this emo stage of my life again

cant breathe properly..im suffocating and im really really lost...feel like keeping a dist. but i cant bear to..this mus be y my hurt is deepening and the glands are active yet again

i dun like whu i am n i noe i cant, i dun deserve, it's gonna be painful, gonna b like hell,,,gonna be so so depressing tt i cant function jus like then

i noe those mentioned will occur but i cant stop them ..my god..jus let it be and i shall just face the consequences alone..yes facing them all alone again

9:03 AM

Friday, October 5, 2007

i'm wrong. i'm wrong to have been persuaded to go..sorry shan, i shld haf met up with u ytd..
a night when i saw the true colours of pple, a night when embarrassment set in..sheesh, where can i hide my face?
frans?they wun face alcohol down u..not their fault...it's mine?whu ask me not to refuse..but how to when u haf 3 or four pple holding u down not letting u off unless u r drowned with the shots..so mani shots..was crazy..
lucky to haf jen..thanks jen for taking good care of me ytd, thanks for not leaving me alone and gt carried away by the bouncer..oh man, how embarrassing..gd thing din puke...he got drunk too..oh my..
i hate it when they forced me to, doesnt mean tt they gt drunk and fall flat last year we haf to be likewise..oh well this is wad 'seniors' always say..den when u get drunk dey jus leave u to hell..this is their true colour..i noe and im detesting n i despise them

i hate this job, i hate hafing to entertain..pple are so superficial..hate the working hours...but the company on my current n previous projs are good..hating the work nature..hating the feeling dat my life is under control by someone...hate to step into the office facing the managers..im hating it..

din wanna upset mum..i really din wan to..im sorry tt i din listen to u and went ahead ytd..yah i noe im wrg to haf even gone and worse persuaded to drink..mei's right in chiding me...thanks mei, im a bad sister, im not setting a good example, i stink i stink a whole damn lot..im not a good sister..sighh..

mind's set..gifing myself a month to go..hopefully a place where i can enjoy myself, end work earlier, no entertainment req, more time for family..

i noe im not a bad person..so i cant degrade myself like this..i mus change..im not an alcoholic..i'm not n i hate this feeling

5:28 PM